With the number of converts to Islam on the increase cross-cultural marriages in the Muslim community are becoming more common. Sabnum Dharamsi discusses the difficulties that may arise when a convert to Islam marries a heritage Muslim
Most married
people agree – it is hard work. But marriages between new Muslims and heritage
Muslims have particular dynamics, often ignored by the majority. Having
counselled many couples, the challenges of such relationships are clear. It
helps to understand these difficulties, as greater insight means you are better
equipped. Hopefully families and communities interacting with them can also be
more compassionate and responsive to the couple. One of the major challenges is
that these marriages are also mostly cross-cultural, and despite a glorious
legacy of diversity within Islam, we do struggle with genuinely meeting across
ethnic and cultural divides.
I’m often approached by young people who feel
crushed by families advising them against marrying someone of a different
culture. So is such a marriage worthwhile or right? ‘And of His signs is that
He created for you mates from your own selves that you may take comfort in
them, and He ordained affection and mercy between you. There are indeed signs
in that for a people who reflect. Among His signs is the creation of the
heavens and the earth, and the difference of your languages and colours. There
are indeed signs in that for those who know.’ (30:21-22) I come across many
families who enjoy the blessing of such marriages. In searching for a spouse,
the Qur’an advocates choosing the most pious candidate and the new Muslims who
have fought to claim their religion are maybe some of the most pious.
Their
passion for Islam and discovery of its teachings often bring confirmation of
core beliefs to the whole family. However, reverts also often speak of their
struggle – and sense of rejection - in finding a spouse among those who are
born into Muslim families. ‘They only want to marry someone from their own
community.’ Both, converts and heritage Muslims who are contemplating marriage
generally find it painfully hard to defy family, especially when they are
close-knit. Some people feel so angry that they become estranged or lose faith;
they feel, after all, they are doing nothing wrong in marrying a Muslim. Being
seen as second class by Muslims who in other ways celebrate reverts, is a
devastating experience. Islam is such an egalitarian religion – yet though in
principle we understand and maybe even love the idea of relationships between
new Muslims and heritage Muslims, in practice there is often a fear about
relationships that don’t follow the norm. Of the marriages that do go ahead,
many experience conflict.
Families from both sides may experience the new
marriage as a betrayal of culture, and even broad-minded families worry about
the marriage’s stability. These oh-so-human fears can be damaging. These
relationships are under pressure from the beginning – because they are under
the spotlight for being different as well as maybe not being fully supported by
the wider community. However, there are other powerful factors that affect the
relationship. All couples bring these into relationships, but they are perhaps
more intensely felt within the revert Muslim-plus-heritage Muslim marriage.
People convert for many reasons, but for almost all reverts it is a serious
change of heart and of lifestyle. Often, for the convert partner, the intention
and assumption is that they are coming into or creating an idyllic Islamic
home. Though this is not the case for all reverts, many expect that married
life will be about realising this dream. Even those who are converting in order
to marry the man / woman they love are encouraged to explore the teachings and
become as passionate about the faith as they are about their husband /wife.
They want life to be different. And they would like to hold onto some of their
cultural identity.
For heritage Muslims, though they too may hold this dream,
it’s different. They’ve often not needed to distinguish between religion and
culture, or if they have, they’ve probably been making allowances and
tolerating those complex relationships their whole lives long. They have an
insiders’ perspective; more forgiving, blinder to community problems maybe,
perhaps more invested and caught up in the status quo. While many heritage
Muslims are attracted to marrying reverts, they probably won’t have considered
how radically different this relationship will be. Often, born Muslims imagine
this relationship will allow them to escape from cultural expectations and
family demands, as well as a way to make sense of cultural conflicts in their
own lives. But alongside this there are still many values and traditions that
they would like to hold onto. So both individuals subconsciously believe that
they can shape their spouse into someone that fits. But is it wrong to have
these assumptions that can and do clash in relationships? Because these issues
tend to emerge in the relationship they can’t be predicted or avoided.
For
Maria and Asad (names changed for confidentiality), he can’t understand why
Maria wants to hurt his family. Can she not just fit in? Maria wonders why he
doesn’t love her and if it’s right to do something she feels is wrong. Can her
husband not be as brave as she has been? Asad’s culture is more
family-oriented, whereas Maria’s is more individualistic. This can all sound a
bit depressing. Why has God created such diversity? Though these situations
challenge, there are huge benefits. As God says, for every difficulty, there is
ease. When your cultural identity or your perspective as a man / woman is being
threatened, it means that your inner self is being challenged. In other words
what is being demanded of you is that you transcend that limited self. For
example, this may mean that you have to develop courage with compassion in the
face of community pressures. You have to decide how to bring up your children.
You may learn to create what you believe to be true and good with the other
person, not in spite of them. This is the other side of all the challenges; the
thrill of experiencing different beliefs and values that emerge for real in the
melting pot of marriage and family life. There’s no rule-book for the unique
circumstances of each couple, so people have to find their own way. This is a
powerful stage; though coming together is a risk, there’s excitement and
possibilities too. I’ve seen reverts delighted to learn from the born Muslim,
and vice versa.
They’re outside of the box of conformity and that’s liberating.
The potential for spiritual growth is true of all marriages; it’s said it’s
half the faith precisely because it challenges your self-concepts. But in a
marriage between a convert and a heritage Muslim, you have an X-factor. Because
you are guided by faith, you have the guidance of your teachings. By aiming for
and understanding humility and truth and love as a lived reality and spiritual
necessity, this marriage is fulfilling its highest purpose - of enabling them
to come closer to God. Being with someone who’s different is challenging, but
how true are God’s words! ‘O mankind! Indeed We created you from a male and a
female, and made you nations and tribes that you may identify yourselves with
one another. Indeed the noblest of you in the sight of God is the most God-wary
among you. Indeed God is all-knowing, all-aware’. (49:13) Such relationships
are transformative. Others will be inspired by a relationship that’s gone
beyond cultural confines to reflect the glorious truth of the verse above. In
working out deep tensions of culture, gender, race – modernity through their
faith, these relationships are vibrant arenas of discovery that go beyond the
basics to discover what and ‘who is most righteous of you’.